The holiday season, from Thanksgiving through the end of the year, can be particularly challenging for separated or divorced families, especially when coordinating shared custody. But as a divorce and family law attorney, I’ve seen many families successfully navigate these complex situations by focusing on proactive planning, open communication, and prioritizing their children’s needs.
Here are a few tips for parents working to share custody peacefully and constructively over the holidays.
1. Prioritize Your Children’s Best Interests
The central focus of any custody plan should always be the well-being of your children, especially during the holidays. Focus on their needs rather than any grievances or competition with your co-parent. Try to approach holiday planning from your children’s perspective. What will make them feel most secure, loved, and happy?
Children are often very perceptive and can sense parental stress and tension. When you and your ex-spouse communicate respectfully and amicably, it helps create a peaceful atmosphere that allows children to focus on enjoying the season.
2. Plan Ahead and Communicate Early
Holiday schedules can be complex, so planning well in advance can help reduce last-minute stress and conflict. Start discussing holiday custody arrangements as early as possible, ideally several months in advance.
If your custody order or divorce decree specifies a holiday schedule, use it as your guiding framework. If it does not, clarify the details early to avoid misunderstandings. Proactive planning allows both parents to prepare emotionally and practically. It also enables everyone to make any adjustments if unexpected situations arise, such as changes in work schedules, travel complications, or last-minute family gatherings.
3. Be Flexible and Open to Compromise
Rigid adherence to plans may sound ideal, but in reality, life often doesn’t work that way—especially around the holidays. Circumstances can change, and flexibility is key to accommodating these shifts without sparking arguments. As much as possible, work with your ex-spouse to develop solutions that benefit everyone, especially your children.
4. Consider Alternative Scheduling Options
Traditional holiday custody plans might split holidays evenly, such as alternating Thanksgiving or Christmas or Hanukkah each year or dividing up the time within each holiday. However, alternative arrangements may work better for your family.
Ideally, you’ve clarified this in your divorce settlement to remove uncertainty from the equation when planning for the season. If not, work together to decide what works best for your children this year.
5. Prepare for Emotional Responses
Children may experience a wide range of emotions during the holidays, from excitement and joy to sadness and confusion. Be prepared for these emotional responses and address them with understanding. Make sure your children know that it’s normal to miss the parent they aren’t with and encourage them to express those feelings openly.
If your children are away for part of the holiday, use technology to stay connected. Schedule a video call or a virtual holiday moment where you can share in each other’s festivities. These simple gestures can bring joy and connection to both parents and children, even if they’re miles apart.
It’s also important to manage your own emotions. Divorce can be emotionally taxing, especially during family-centered times like the holidays. Speaking with a therapist or support group to process your own feelings can help you stay calm and focused on your children’s needs.
Fostering Joy and Stability During the Holidays
Holidays are about creating joyful, memorable experiences for your children. Co-parenting effectively during these times not only makes holidays more enjoyable but also sets a strong foundation for positive co-parenting year-round. By focusing on your children’s happiness, prioritizing communication, and respecting each other’s roles, you can create a holiday environment that’s supportive, stable, and loving.
Successful holiday co-parenting doesn’t happen overnight, but with a thoughtful approach, respect, and flexibility, both parents can share in the joy of the season while making lasting, positive memories for their children.
Be sure to take care of yourself and your children—these efforts can make the holidays meaningful and memorable for everyone.